medavia (medavia) wrote,

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and this is how we roll...

a little background for those of who you haven't heard by now:

patrick and i met when we were 16 through a few mutual friends.  he proposed 4 years later, and did something terrible to me 1 month after that.  He was not allowed contact with me of any sort by the court because of what he did.  because of this, i missed the birth of an angel and the first year and a half of her life.  her life that at one time i was the only one fighting for.  a year ago i violated the court order and initiated contact with him.  due to a few life events, i decided that the time we shared together was worth attempting to be friends again.  i went against everyone telling me not to and we worked to get the protective order removed.  we began dating again.  we began making plans for our future again.  he proposed again.

then, yesterday, i found out he was cheating on me.  less than 1 month after he gave me my ring, he started talking to a girl in rhode island.  constantly.  now i, like every other girl out there, thought it would never happen to me.  i never suspected him of cheating, and never thought he would even think of cheating on me.  however, 3 years ago i never thought THAT would ever happen to me.  

so, after screaming and crying and denying, and finally admitting, and 2 hours sleep and 6 hours of thinking at work, i decided that we could try to talk things through.  i got the answers i wanted, and he seems to understand what he did.  he didn't just cheat on me, he ruined our relationship for the rest of ours lives.  no matter what, i will forever assume he's cheating on me.  any girl he meets, every night out with the guys, every phone call.  i'm not the jealous type and never have been because i think i'm better than everyone.  i know i'm the best that he could ever have.  i wasn't the suspicious type before because i know how much he loves me, i never thought he'd do something to risk our relationship.  but he did.  i will now be suspicious for the rest of my life.  i will now be untrusting for the rest of my life.

but we're going to work past this.  there isn't a magic time limit on when i'll trust him again though.  each day is a new one with new possibilities.  he knows its not going to be easy but he's willing to make it work.  when he told me he would do anything, i told him 1) if anything, no matter how small, happens again, its over, no more second chances, no more questions, over.  2) if he's friends with a girl or an ex, i'm friends with them too.  he knows my guy friends and ex's so no big deal, right?  3) no contact with sarah at all, of any kind, ever.  he called her on speaker phone to tell her, he deleted and blocked her on myspace, over.  he is dead to her.  i made him choose me or her, he chose me.  if i find out otherwise, it's over.  all up to him at this point.  

so you fat ass ugly piece of shit, if you read this, understand me.  i'm throwing it in your huge fucking face.  i don't give a shit how fucked up your family is, if your real family doesn't love you, if you're a failure at life, if you're too stupid to see that people don't like you just using you.

a)  get your own life
b)  go crawl in a hole and die

your choice.  i don't care, i just know i'll laugh when no one goes to your funeral.

no contact.  none. 

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